THE MARRIAGE TABLE: I Feel Guilty After Our Emotional Affair. (4)

When I got home, my husband and my mother were chatting as my mother cooked. Our son was asleep. I mouthed a greeting and went straight into the bedroom. I lay on the bed face down as I cried. While I was still crying, my husband came in. He stood there for a while and asked why I was crying. I shouted at him to leave me alone. I felt so miserable. He stood there for a while and left.

An hour later, he came back to call me to eat. I told him I wasn’t hungry. He knew something was bothering me but mostly, when I acted like this, he would ask for a while about me then stop if I didn’t say anything. I didn’t come out to eat. Rather, I went to bath and cried some more. I remembered how after I pulled back, he hugged me tight. God, I felt weak in is arms.

When I remembered the embrace, I scrubbed myself some more. I felt so dirty, so unclean. God, there was something wrong with me. I was apportioning blames now. If my husband hadn’t ignored me for so long, he wouldn’t have caught my attention. If my mother had snatched my phone and checked who I was actually texting, we wouldn’t be here. If that fateful day, he hadn’t offered me a ride whilst I was pregnant and tired, I would never have known him.

As I was dressing up, my mother entered the room, locked the door behind me and gave me two hot slaps. “What have you done? You silly girl!” she said. I couldn’t help it. I broke down and cried again. She knew me so well. I knelt and told her everything. She sighed. Then we held hands for a while. My husband came to knock and my mother told him to give us some more time.

She told me there were two things involved. To come clean and face whatever my husband would do to me. Or I should enforce the broken ties with the other guy and move on with life. I could continue life or later when things were a bit stable I could tell him. Should I continue through life with it, I should never bring it up.

I am in a tough spot now. My mother left two weeks after the incident. Saying she had to return to her own home now. She even suggested asking my husband’s mother coming around. She gave me this stern look as if to say, “Make up your mind” My crush still lurks in the corners of my mind although I see him around sometimes. He tried to pursue me, saying he was really interested in our friendship.

I have called him out sternly thrice. I think the third time really got to him so he seems to be cooling off. My husband’s attitude is hanging between “hot” and “cold” again. We go through periods which seem like we are both trying, then there are times when he is so busy and uncaring, it’s like he doesn’t want me or something. When he is home, late at night, I look at him, sleeping and snoring lightly.

I want to shake him awake, kneel and beg for forgiveness. I am so scared of what he might do because we spoke about this when we were dating. It is a deal breaker for both of us. I feel like a weight is upon my head but I don’t know how to find my way home. I am still considering my mother’s three options. I am still confused as to what to do right now….

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