My Thoughts Are Gradually Killing Me.


I bring you greetings Aunty. I am in a state where if care is not taken, the unthinkable can happen. Homosexuality is something I always dont want to hear nor see. My heart jumps up and my mind gets messed up anytime I hear people talk about it because I can’t just imagine why that should be an option.

Following the debate against its legalisation on social media last month, as usual, it got into my mind and I couldn’t just take my mind off it. I realised I could not sleep in the night. 24/7, this homosexuality thoughts was in my mind and I begun to get depressed. No happiness in me. I will be sad all day and that was affecting my productivity at work especially me being a newly posted servant in a village far from home.

While I was in that state, something I will describe as an evil thought just appeared in my mind. I begun to imagine nature.
All of a sudden I dont feel the desire to do anything. Not even to eat. My mind tells me that, no matter what everyone will die so no need for me to do any work anymore. I see the poor and the rich as one. At the end of the day they are all alive so why should I even work?

I dont see the reason to even eat good food nor to wear good clothes nor to live in a nice apartment. Anything negative is just appearing into my mind but I know for sure that something is wrong with me.

This time the homosexuality thought got off my mind. And this current one has just refused to leave. This one has affected me to the extent that I can’t sleep in the night. Because I can’t sleep in the night nor day, my head is always aching me. I am always very sad within. My heart absolutely feels no joy. At times I will be in the room and just cry. Nothing in the world moves me anymore.. When I see people happy, I get jealous but whiles I get jealous, it would just occur to me that, that is bound to happen.

This thing has affected me to the extent that I no more see the difference between suffering and enjoyment. I know that these are not normal thought so my heart is always beating fast and I dont feel a bit of joy in me. Aunty Abena, I am really depressed as suicide options are appearing in my mind. But being a Christian I know that it is not just right to take your life. I know very well that something is wrong with my mind. I realised the depression has got to a state where I am losing weight. I am a muscled guy but I am rapidly losing weight.

I always ask my self if my mind can be stable and be happy like before. At this point, I think I really need help so that I can be happy one more time. Aunty Abena, this is not the first time this is happening to me. Somewhere 2013 after SHS, I went through the same thing. 2018 the same but all with different thoughts. But I have never felt the way I am feeling with the current one, especially when I can’t sleep and suicide thoughts are appearing in my mind.

Aunty I really need help.

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Written by East@Edito468

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