My Boyfriend Said He’s With Me Out of Pity


About your post on crying and wiping ur face like you hadn’t just cried. Hmm Auntie I’m 20 years old, living on my own and trying to make ends meet. I’m paying rent and working two jobs just to keep myself sane.

You know I have HIV and I was told I got it through my mom. I’ve been on drugs since I was a child, till now. Like sometimes I go into self denial and ask myself like hell it wasn’t my fault so why should I swallow these big tablets every day? Why me out of all my siblings?

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At a point I stopped taking the drugs. I refused too because I didn’t see why I should. Like why would God do that to me? Even now I find it hard to accept my condition. Like, so that’s how one day I’d just die and it’ll be because of HIV?

I can’t even talk to anyone because of fear of stigmatization. I cry in my heart and cry silent tears. I’ve overdosed on drugs just to die but sometimes, I read stories here. How some people’s own are worse off than mine, and that sometimes gives me hope. But then each time I try to take the drugs I lose all hope. Like why????

The tears I shed in my heart only God knows but yet still I make people around me smile, I smile like nothing’s wrong. I’m dying inside, I fear rejection, I fear stigmatization, I also fear isolation because someone once told me he is with me only because of pity after I told him about my condition.

You know the funniest thing too is, I have genital warts, I dont even know how those came about. I’ve done almost everything to treat it. My rent too is almost due. Like I pay bills every month and it’s hard to keep up. It’s hard to stay genuine, it’s hard to not be sleeping around for money. My parents are both dead, and my siblings…everyone for himself, God for us all. I have to live with a condition like this.

Sometimes I wish to sleep and wake up for me to realize it’s just a dream. That I’m ok and nothing’s wrong with me. It’s hard Auntie Abena, it’s hard. As I type this there are tears forming in my eyes which I’m blinking back. I don’t wanna breakdown, I don’t wanna go into self denial again. I need courage.?

I just hope I find the courage to continue taking the drugs again. And please ask your fans to pray for me. Thank You

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Written by Abena Magis

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